Friday, February 26, 2010

Snaux Day

Well look at that. Two back to back posts brought on by winter weather. I live in NYC, and we're currently experiencing snowfall that some would describe as the wrath of Thor if he got tired of smashing people with that hammer and actually used his weather powers.


Ok, not many people would describe it that way.

My point is that today I have experienced one of the greatest feelings known to man. I used to be able to look forward to such things, but not anymore. Mostly it is the field of of grade school students and their we're-underappreciated-and-we'll-make-sure-you-know-it teachers.

I speak, of course, of the glory that is The Snow Day.


Oh yeah, it was also a terrible Nickelodeon kids' movie where the antagonist was a snowplow driver?

This morning my alarm went off as it inevitably does. I dutifully got out of bed and prepared to face the day. I then looked outside and thought "Damn." Inspired by the amount of snow that I saw, I logged onto my place of employ's website and saw the blessed words:

"All offices are closed"

Since I can't come close to being described as "essential personnel" I have the day off.

Joy filled my heart as I sank back down into the cozy blankets and pillows. The ecstasy of the Snow Day is largely indescribable. The waking fantasy of every day is simply to go back to bed. Today it was a blessed reality! I nestled myself deep in my down comforter.

"Thank you, ThunderGod" I murmured before slipping away to blessed dreamland. And you know... I think he heard me.


"You're welcome, nerd."

So I woke up around 10:30 and decided that I should be productive. Immediately, I watched this week's episode of 24 and admired the hotness of Crazy Renee.


You can stab me 15 times any day... Wait, no, that's not sexy.

I then took some time to admire the new desk I just finished building.

That's not right either. In the interest of accuracy, I finished assembling it last night. My brother Lt. Rev actually builds things.


Like this.

But no, I just bought a desk from Staples the other week in an attempt to get my shtuff together. The assembly stretched over three evenings and was completed last night. I'm sitting at it now, as a matter of fact. It's pretty sexy.

Here's a picture of it from Amazon:



Mine looks a little different because I generally keep the drawers closed and also don't use it in the white room from The Matrix.


"Ok, guns, nice. Now I need a comfortable space to get some good writing done"

After admiring the desk for several minutes this morning, I decided that I should try to organize the rest of the room, which was thrown into considerable chaos with the addition of a large piece of furniture.

In the interest of accuracy, I should say that my room was in a state of considerable chaos even before the new desk got here. My old desk? A TV snack tray. Oh yes. From K-Mart. Let me see if I can pull up a pic of that goodness:


Yeah, pretty much that, but with a laptop instead of a delicious, homecooked meal which is eaten in silence, staring at syndicated episodes of Seinfeld and resenting your family for holding you back and killing your dreams.

So in summation: hooray new desk!

Other stuff happened recently as well.

Kyle, Jesse, Holly, Casey and I rented a camp in Lake Placid and escaped for a weekend of winter fun!

The place was nice and had an awesome large fireplace, of which I made full use:

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Pay no attention to the empty beer cans. Or the friendship bracelet kit. That didn't get used AT ALL.

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Ok, maybe a little.

We also played snow football twice, which I have little photographic proof of, because I didn't want my camera to be smashed. Oh wait, here's some, courtesy of Holly:


That's me with the ball and Kyle providing coverage.

Since you don't know any better, that pass was completed for a touchdown!

We also went ice skating at the Olympic Center's outdoor Speed Skating Oval.


Not pictured: Speed.


A blurry shot of Jesse and Kyle, but that might be because they were actually moving.

Also, this happened:

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I have neither excuse nor explanation.

As an added super bonus, I got to see A.Rev!!!!!!!!!!!

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She seemed less enthusiastic than me, at first.

She quickly warmed up though (literally and figuratively) and became much more animated.

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So it was a great long weekend.

And now I've got another one ahead of me!

That's all for now folks, I'll leave you with a picture of the mountains I took as we were driving out of Lake Placid.

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Peace out,

Rev

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Company's Dime.

Good morning,

This morning's episode of Rev's Blog is brought to you by crippling snowstorm and the letters N, Y, and C.

Basically, I'm the only person in my entire office right now, so I'm the boss. And the boss says Blog.


"BLOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGG!"

So yeah. In New York there's lots of snowfall, weather people calling for Armageddon, Public Schools are closed and sent out a memo suggesting cannibalism both for survival and to protect children from the horrors of having to live in a real-life Day After Tomorrow.


Let's be honest, I'd rather be eaten alive than watch it again.

I got to work on time. A few minutes early, actually. I blame my stubbornness, my inescapable work ethic and my Central New York snow belt upbringing.


(sigh) Tuesdays.

I got ready 10 minutes earlier than normal and slipped on my hiking boots.

My God, I had forgotten how comfortable these are. They were still covered in sand from Mount Marcy, but once I got out into the snow and sludge, they proved again that they are worth every penny I spent on them. Walking to the subway was as comfortable as gliding across a carpet made of Angels' sex organs.



This picture represents snow. Or the blinding light of Angeldongs. But mostly it represents my refusal to do a google search for 'Angel Sex Organs' on my work computer.

UPDATE: Ok, now I'm blogging from home, as my work closed early. So, hooray, I suppose. Still I'm not doing that google search. Let it go, man, let it go.



So sometimes I think: "Geez, nothing blogworthy has happened to me lately." It's a sad state of affairs I'm in when my life is reduced to two categories: blogworthy and filler. It's not gotten that drastic yet, but two entries about what to do between places on the subway? Yikes.

Sometimes though, I have an embarrassment of riches. Like recently. In the past two weekends, The Revs came to town and the Superbowl happened.

I'll talk about the first one first. It was a fun visit and I'm glad they made it, but meteorological timing needs to be worked on. As soon as they rolled into Manhattan, the temperature took a nose dive from tolerably chilly to witch's titty right quick.

(not searching for that either).

So that cut down on photos of the trip, as operating a camera would risk exposure and frostbite. We saw Billy Elliot and Rock of Ages. My mom did insist on a photo with Constantine:


Look at that big woman in the background. Ha! Now you can't ignore her.

The next day, we took a tour of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I got one good photo from there. We were walking through the Greek and Roman Statue hall when my Dad whispers to me: "Get your camera out and turn around."

And thank God I did:


New desktop image.

Oh Hercules (or Heracles, not sure which), you're going to fulfill the nudity quota for this post. Also, thanks for making me look good by comparison.

And then the Superbowl. I hope everyone got what they wanted from the game. Whether it be commercials or the Saints winning or whatever. I didn't have much invested in the game at first.

I was invited to a friend's house to watch the game, and that was in Brooklyn. To get there I would take the G train. As far as I can tell, G stands for Ghost train, because it only exists when you're not looking for it. It could also stand for Go to hell, because that's what I feel it's communicating most of the time.

I got all ready to head out. I Grabbed my coat and a freshly baked pumpkin pie, because I'm training to be a fantastic houswife, apparently.

I left the house at 5:30 PM. By 7:00 I had gotten no farther than Queensboro Plaza. For those of you not in the geographic know, if you called me at home and said "Hey I'm at Queensboro Plaza, come meet me." I would say "Cool, I can be there in 20 minutes" (Assuming, of course that I know who you are and/or would want to meet up with you in the first place).


Make that 5 minutes.

Now the observant among you will notice that 20 minutes does not equal 90 minutes, and may wonder what was going on for that hour and ten minutes of missing time.

First off, the G train was not running, a fact that they neglected to post at the first station I sat waiting for the G train to arrive.

Next, I took an R train to the next station, where there is a person on duty. I got off the train, and read the posters that casually mention something to the effect that the G train does not exist for you, sucka. And that fools looking for it would need to transfer to shuttle buses. And that such fools would then be the object of pity.


Putting the T back in MTA.

While I was reading this poster, an E train arrived and left. Let it, I thought. Who wants the E train anyway? I'm taking a shuttle bus from this stop, Queens Plaza. So I headed up to the information booth to find out where I can get on this bus.

The whiteboard inside of the booth had this message scrawled on it: NO SHUTTLE BUSES AT THIS STATION, TAKE THE E TRAIN ONE STOP.

Sonofabitch.

So I waited for the next E train to come around (no small feat for Sunday evening service). When it finally did, I got off at the correct stop and went aboveground. There were plenty of helpful signs pointing out where to go to get on Shuttle Buses that went to the stops for the 7 train.

I'll take this moment to remind you that I did not want the 7 train shuttle buses. The location of the G bus seemed to be a closely guarded secret.

There I was, wandering around in the cold and dark of 6:45 PM at the base of the CITI tower (the tallest building in Queens) with NO idea where I was going.


Nice neighborhood.

It's time for a memory test: did you remember that this entire time I've been carrying a freshly baked pumpkin pie? If so, Gold Star for you and you can come over here and eat some of it with me.

So there's me, scrawny pale young man alone on a desolate street with a fresh pie. I discussed this with my Dad and we decided the only reason I wasn't killed by homeless people is that they thought it was a trap.



I was far too easy and tempting of a target to be for real. After all, the Cheesecake Ambush of '94 was Giuliani's first big success against the homeless population.

I wasn't all stubborn aimless wandering. I asked the driver of the 7 shuttle bus to point me in the direction of the G shuttle. He did, and I thanked him for his straight-faced, sincere-sounding lies and went on my way.

By 7:00 I had found my way back to Queensboro Plaza and said something to the effect of "Eph this, I'm taking my pie and going home."

And so I did. Subastar and I caught part of the game at a bar on Ditmars, and watched the final quarter on the big flatscreen TV at Tasty's Diner. Despite the transit woes, we had a great time and I consider the night to be a success.


But seriously though, come on over. I have a whole pie to get rid of now.


Peace out Folks,

Rev

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Some more stuff.

So last time I updated, I told you of a way to have fun on the subway. That is, playing Texas Hold 'Em. People were cheering me on, and it felt like everyone wanted to be my friend, even with their constructive criticism.


"Go Rev! This pink confetti is for you! You sissy girl! Hooray!"

Umm... thanks.

But the other day I felt the opposite of that. I was going home and it seemed like no one wanted to be my friend. I wasn't playing Texas Hold 'Em, or any game, video or otherwise. I was reading.

Sure, people generally leave you alone when you're reading, but there's always people who like to read over your shoulder.


At least I think that's what's going on in this picture.

It's incredibly common when you're reading a newspaper, but still happens when you have a book. Reading books on the subway is a slightly different experience from reading newspapers.

First off, you don't have to be an origami artist to avoid elbowing people in the face.


"Hey, could I borrow the sports pa- you know what, never mind."

Also, there's sometimes eye contact made with other people who are reading, when you look up from your book at the same time as someone else. It's sort of a silent high five, where in the .25 seconds you both say "Yeah! Reading is awesome!"


So Awesome.

Also, reading a book on the subway makes me feel good about myself. It's more productive than doing nothing, and a lot safer than sleeping.

So the other day I was reading on my way to and from work. But I wasn't getting that sense of camaraderie. People weren't reading over my shoulder for more than a glance. I had no solidarity amongst the other members of the MTA Book Club. In fact, I even received a few glares, or at least wary looks.


This is the best picture I could find of a wary look. The subtext is all wrong, though.

So what was it? What could I be doing wrong? I was being quiet, my pants were on properly, my book was suitably highbrow... oh wait.


Hmmm...

Maybe that's it.

I got similar reactions when I was reading this book at the laundromat, and also at the elementary school playground.


Warning: Fat children on right.

But I guess I understand what's going on. People are super defensive in this town, especially on the subway, and with very very good reason.

One just needs to to listen to the automated sexual assault announcements on the train to know how bad things have been/are:

“Ladies and gentlemen, a crowded subway car is no excuse for sexual misconduct. If you feel you have been the victim of a crime, please notify a police officer or an MTA employee. Remain alert and have a safe day.”

Yikes.

I propose a new one: "Ladies and gentleman, a crowded subway car is no excuse for sexual misconduct. Start screaming: "Pervert! Hey everyone, this perv just grabbed my ______! Let's all kill him! Pervert!"


"I said hands off!"

That being said, we should reserve this treatment for those who actually commit a crime, rather than reading a controversial novel. I understand your concern, subway riders.

I don't have too much more to go on that book, but maybe I should stick to subway books without that kind of subject matter/connotation.







OK, fine. How about something completely innocent and unobjectionable?




Dammit.


Ok, I give up. Back to video games.


Rev