Friday, January 2, 2009

Merry Christmas and Happy Whatever Craziness You're About.

Hello friends, welcome to 2009. I won't lie, it's going to be cold, scary and there's a huge likelihood that something will bite you. Many things, actually, so here's hoping they're all small.

Another holiday season has come and gone and as I sit thinking back on the past few weeks and avoiding writing Thank you notes, I decided it's been too long since I wrote at you.

This Christmas was a lot of fun at the Revs'. Getting there was a bit of a trial, as crazy delays in the Amtrak system caused me to stand around in Penn Station for about 6 hours. There are a lot of homelessmen there, and I did my best to avoid them. I ended up in Albany, NY far later than originally planned, and Mr. Rev and I got back home at approximately 3 AM. One of us had to work the next day, and I had to finish Christmas shopping. I did manage to snap this picture, however:

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That's three trains to Albany Delayed in a row. My ticket was for the first one.

All in all, I would have to describe the trip home as Candiru-esque.

But it all went uphill from there.

Specifically, up a giant hill of cookies that Mrs. Rev had baked:

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That's right, 5 different kinds.

As I mentioned before, I had to finish up a little bit of shopping on Christmas Eve, but I think I did fairly well. This Holiday saw me getting some online deals, planning waay in advance, and even pulling off a shady, transatlantic Machiavellian scheme like some kind of yuletide Kaiser Soze.

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The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't love Spider-Man.

Here's a story you might enjoy, from the files of "Great Revs Think Alike"

For the past few years, during family get-togethers, my father would regale his sons with tales of an artifact he once owned, namely a bottle opener/pocket knife that was shaped like a woman's leg. Losing this memento surely weighed heavily on his psyche, and so he was in a search for one to replace it whenever Mrs. Rev dragged him to an antique market or garage sale or some other such place.

Thinking it would be nice for his search to come to an end, I set to a little search of my own. Come to think of it, putting a stop to this quest might have severed his sole lifeline to tenuous sanity in the face of such monsters as the Madison-Bouckville Antique Show.


Seriously, it's huge.

But I'm sure he can find another, more elaborate dragon to slay. Maybe he can look for one of those mermaid statues, like the one from Animal House. You know, with the fish bowls for her cans? You know the one.

But I digress.

With a little help from Subastar, online sleuthing turned up a classy answer to the lady leg bottle opener quandry. There were only two problems. One, it was on ebay, so I'd have to win an auction. Secondly, it was in Northern Ireland, and I was not. Those turned out to be fake problems, as I handily won the auction at no huge sum (I will not tell you how much money I was willing to spend, however), and the international shipping worked just fine and got the item delivered with days to spare. Here's a pic:

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I told you it was classy.

Truth be told, on Christmas eve I bought a bottle of Brasso metal polish and spent several hours getting that sucker nice and shiny. I even went so far as to unnecessarily employ power tools in my endeavor.

A) That leg opener is shiny.

B) There's only so much time you can spend polishing something shaped like that before it stops being about how shiny it is.

3) The phrase 'leg opener' is fundamentally dirty and sounds like code for Roofies.


Rohypnol: when you're just too gross.

But here's the really funny part. Come Christmas morning, I start opening the presents in my hand-knit, personalized stocking.

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Yeah, we don't eph around with Christmas. You don't even know.

Lo and behold, what has Mr. Rev gotten me?


A lady leg bottle opener and knife.

It was like The Gift of the Magi, except without the irony, and a lot more alcohol consumption. And potential knife fights. Ok fine, it was nothing like The Gift of the Magi.

Several days later, we head to A. Rev's house to visit with her.

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Her parents were there, too, but the cameras were pointed at the small one just about the entire time.

And hey, what do you think Lt. Rev had bought for Mr. Rev as a fun little Christmas gift?

If you didn't say a lady leg bottle opener and knife, you're wrong.

In fact, if you didn't say a lady leg bottle opener and knife, you're probably dumb. I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Rough start to the New Year, eh?

But after a good laugh, we figured this was a pretty decent way to have it all turn out. Lt. Rev, Dr. Rev and I all have lady leg bottle openers and knives, and Mr. Rev does too. AND he has a super classy solid brass lady leg opener that he can use to impress people without threatening them with a small folding blade.

That being done, A. Rev and I watched a little Blue's Clues.

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Damn that dog. Why can't she ever just tell us?

I'm still waiting for the episode in which Steve has to look for paw prints to find out where Blue hid his insulin. I'll probably be waiting a while.

I'll be back with more Holiday stuff in a little bit, but now enjoy the soothing image of the Revs' Christmas fireplace.

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Cheers,

Rev

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