Monday, January 28, 2008

My Latest Attempt to Destroy the Universe

Behold the simplicity of it:


Genius or Madness?

For those of you blissfully ignorant of everything that is worth knowing, RC cola stands (or stood) for Royal Crown cola. So I got to thinking... What would happen should I blend these two liquids, nay, polar opposites?

Would they instantly destroy each other, like matter and anti-matter?

Would I be able to harness the power of this reaction to fuel a ship to travel around space and explore new life and new civilizations?


I've always wanted to have intergalactic adventures with a large disfigured black man, two disappointingly unattractive women, a futuristic Ray Charles, a Shakespearean actor, a dead guy and Jonathan Frakes.


Or will my combination undo the very fabric of reality by creating some sort of cosmic paradox, like I saw in that movie Dogma? Perhaps this is what happened to create the Nothing that was swallowing up Fantasia before Bastian saved the day by running away from all of his problems and reading.


Only one way to find out:


I swear to God I'll do it.


Don't push me...


Hmmm...

Well, no energy vortex, no igniting the atmosphere. No 1.21 gigawatt output to rend the space/time continuum... So far it seems a bust.

But let's not jump to conclusions.

It seems this was a slower reaction than I had anticipated. The Universe wasn't destroyed, but just a few hours after that picture was taken, the Universe definitely had gotten blurry and dizzy. Then the Universe felt really sick. And the Universe was sick. And from that point, my memory of the Universe gets a little spotty... I seem to remember people staring at the Universe as it lurched around a subway car in an amazingly futile attempt to keep its balance. Then the Universe went to bed and didn't get up until 1 o'clock the next afternoon.

My readers, my friends, my strangers who accidentally found this post whilst searching for porn and have miraculously read this far, I pray you, learn from my example. Do not be lured by the siren call of Super Science. I have learned the lesson of Frankenstein, and Jurassic Park, and just about all of Spider-man's rogues gallery. There are forces in this universe that man is simply not meant to understand. I have aspired, and that experience has left me a broken and humbled man. Like Prometheus, I outstretched my hand to snag the fire of the Gods. And, like Prometheus, it's my liver that's paying for it.


That's exactly what it felt like.



Bye for now,

Rev

PS - Tonight was the worst episode of The Sarah Connor Chronicles EVER. NO hot cyborg, NO gunplay, just some guy in a blue tie talking about the government while surrounded by old people who broke into forced applause every ten seconds. No way does this count towards the John Connor/Cyborg Sex countdown.

The writers strike continues to ruin television...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Foray into Narcissism.

Upon reviewing last week's post (if you haven't read it yet, please do) a thought struck me. I claimed that were I to become an American Gladiator, my Gladiator name would be "Mouse." Sure, it gets the point across, what with the small frame, timid nature and delicious crunchy bones and all... but my point is this: in a comically testosterone fueled environment wherein people adopt action packed and vaguely dangerous nicknames...


Why wouldn't I just stick with 'Rev?'


It seems I've been saddled with the moniker for so long (practically born with it) that I've stopped associating it with its inherent meanings. I decided to poke around a little and see what other people are using the word for. Thanks Google! Also, I decided that I would present awards to my favorites, just to keep things interesting.

Also, Oach has just informed me that I don't get to pick my own Gladiator name and that it's up to the producers, and he's the producer around here and my Gladiator name is Mouse and that I better get used to the idea if I know what's good for me.

Anyway, the first thing I noticed when I Googled Rev was a bunch of religious sites. Reverends and bible verses from Revelation (see this blog's URL, for example. I didn't pick it at random, you know). People love Jesus. And He loves them, too. A few caught my eye however:

The award for Best Religious Entrepreneur goes to:


This guy.

The Reverend Jim Rehnberg at www.rentarev.com

"Providing Professional Ministerial Services Throughout Chicagoland."

Everything seems pretty ok about this. I'm sure there are plenty of Ronin Reverends out there willing to bless this and that and marry and baptise people to turn a buck. However, one thing caught my eye:

All other Rent-a-Rev Services

Vow renewal
Baptism
Baby Dedication
Funeral
Marriage/Family counseling
Mediation
Group Facilitation

House Blessing
Stand Up Comedy

Really? Really Rev. Jim? Stand Up Comedy?? Got some sweet punchlines to lay down on us? "You ever notice how Anglicans preach like this... and Baptists preach like this? Am I right?" Let's just move on.

Best all-around Hooray for Jesus Site:

http://www.revmagazine.com/

Though technically it's Rev! magazine. It also claims to be the gatew ay for all things Rev. Unfortunately, they have not yet linked to this blog. Perhaps the all things is a bit of hyperbole. Bonus points for the exclamation point and helpful links to shopping for all your pastor resources.

Enough religion. It's not that funny.


The Nerdiest Site Which I Still Found Fascinating:

The Rapid Earthquake Viewer

Taking a look at some of the images of maps and epicenters and radii just gives me the chills.

Check out this world map of recent earthquakes:

This further validates my opinion that everything that touches the Pacific Ocean sucks.


Best Rev product AND best Rev product debunking:

REV XP Fat Burner Review

Extra credit for sneaking that second Rev in "Review." Tricky, man, tricky.

Well, it's "Xtreme" and "Thermogenic" so... that's gotta be good, right?

Basically you're supposed to take this stuff and it will burn fat off of you. My prediction? You'll lose a lot of water weight as you piss yourself all the way to the emergency room. Each tablet of this "supplement" has about as much caffeine in it as 3.5 -4 cans of Mountain Dew. That's enough to give Juan Valdez a heart attack.


Best use of Buzzwords without substance:

http://www.rev.la/

I've read that site four times and still have very little idea what they actually do.


Most Badass Product to Keep in Mind for My Upcoming Birthday:

http://www.revitusa.net/

REV'IT is a European company that specializes in high quality motorcycle apparel and unnecessary apostrophes. Granted, I don't ride a motorcycle myself, nor am I likely to following an emergency room anecdote told me by Dr. Rev, but some of their casual stuff looks pretty sweet. Also, the general sleekness and styling of the whole site is top-notch.


I'll wrap things up about now. This last site has the best double entendre merchandise, but it also takes the cake for rampant homoeroticism and disturbing content.

http://revwrestling.com/

What's so homoerotic about wrestling, you ask?

This:

If you don't agree with me yet, look at the picture again, and sing 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John.

That's what I thought.

And as for disturbing content? How does this hit you?

It's a low quality image, so I'll describe. It is an infant bodysuit with the phrase "Made Weight... Bring On the Bottle!"

Surely there's nothing wrong with normalizing one of the most harmful aspects of high school and collegiate wrestling, that is, starving oneself to wrestle in a lower weight class. The ladies call that 'anorexia.' The guys generally call it "But coach says..."

It's even better that it's printed on baby clothes. Baby plus starvation rarely equals cute.

The rest of their merchandise isn't so bad, though. Personally, I think every fine looking lady reading this site out there should own a shirt proclaiming their love of Rev Wrestling. And I'd be more than happy to oblige such a hobby.


As I am and ever shall be,

Rev

Monday, January 14, 2008

A Few Thoughts



Concerning Monday night television.

I like American Gladiators. Let me rephrase that. I recognize the potential in American Gladiators. It has a lot of really good things going for it. Ridiculous costumes, crowds cheering far beyond their reasonable level of emotional involvement, and people getting hit/falling down. Oh yeah, and one badass tennis ball cannon (thank$ NERF!).

Every child of the 80s remembers the original cannon. I mean seriously, no elementary school revenge fantasy would complete without 100 MPH tennis ball humiliation crowned with a totally hetero congratulatory high five with the Gladiator King, Nitro.


I really can't stress the "hetero" part enough.

Anyway, the Gladiators are back and badasser than they were. Crazy characters smack around the hayseed contenders with all sorts of foam bricks and holy crap, they added water this time! Wow! Anyway, my point is it needs more blood. I want to see an ambulance at the studio. Idling.

Also, I would like to become a Gladiator. Really. Oach and I have discussed this. My name would be Mouse. Sure, I don't have the size, or the speed... or the... umm... AMERICAN GLADIATORS RULES!!! WOO!!!

I spent some time trying to find a good "me as Gladiator" picture, but these are the best I could do:


Destroy!!!

Or this one, more representative of most of my screen time:


Heal!!!

My best event? Regaining consciousness.

Though now that I think about it, I could probably be pretty effective. My sheer desperation, coupled with the contender's self-loathing at beating someone so obviously defenseless could lead to a lot of upsets. Plus I could work the "Oh man, this guy is clearly insane" angle.


Hulk Hogan: And John, the seven foot construction worker from Detroit, on this next event, you'll be going head to head with... Mouse!! How about some strategy?

John: I don't know, man... I have a daughter bigger than him. I think I might just kill him.

HH: Mouse! What do you think of John's plan?

Me: Well, Hulk... I'm pretty much going to shriek really loudly, start sobbing, and then savagely claw at his eyes and balls, though not necessarily in that order.

John: I forfeit.

and Scene.

But in all honesty, I really would like to try the Eliminator. I think I could do pretty well on it, especially if I went up against someone who is unable to swim, like that guy tonight. I'm not sure anyone told him about that requirement going into the show. Also I think my lack of upper and lower body weight would act in my favor on the cargo net. The hand truck I would skip. Just jump down and climb up the other side. I'm not sure why anyone bothers with that thing.

That's enough about Gladiators. I have a few more ideas, but they mostly involve adding the tennis ball cannon to every single event. And lighting the tennis balls on fire.

On to The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I love the Terminator series. Of course, by series I mean Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. THAT'S IT. Period. End of paragraph.


Terrible.

I would be mad a Kristanna Loken for that movie, but then she made Bloodrayne... so I guess she's suffered enough.

Don't get me wrong, so far the TV show is terrible, but I have to watch it for a prediction of mine.

8 Episodes.

That's how long it's going to take for John Connor to have sex with the Terminator. If he can last that long, I mean.

Hear me out.

First of all, this show is on Fox.

Secondly, look at her/it!


Deadly.

All I'm saying is that if I were to send a robot that looks like this back in time to hang around with myself as a 15 year old, there's no way I'm not including the deluxe programming package.
Also, I would make it call me Mal*.


I think I've said quite enough for now. Catch you kids later,


Rev









*That's Captain Malcolm Reynolds to you. Oh yeah.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Further Holiday Merriment.

Continuing with the Holiday theme, as I haven't quite gotten back to the present as far as blogging goes, the Saturday before New Years I went to a party hosted by a friend of mine. It was the premiere theater social event of the year in the Mohawk Valley. I had a fantastic time. I saw many people who claimed to be fans of this very blog. I told them they were full of it, but hey, I guess they wanted their pictures posted. Here goes. I can't remember if I've introduced you folks to these people or not, so I'll make up fresh fictional names.


Here I am with one of the premiere leading men of the Utica stage.

I was playing around with an anagram generator online and found that his name anagrams to 'The Warm, Keen Tit." That's a better label than any I can come up with. Though I'm not so sure if it's a true anagram, since the first word is preserved. Anyway, a few bits of trivia about this man:

- He can bench press a Corvette

- He once cut my hand onstage playing Benvolio to my Tybalt in Romeo & Juliet, act one scene one

- The next year he similarly butchered the Queen Mab speech playing Mercutio to my Benvolio. I have it on tape, with instructions to release it to the next Christmas party, should anything happen to me.


These are two other readers (perhaps 'fans' is a bit too strong a word) of my blog.

I like this picture for the fact that it is very clearly not posed. The one on the left, along with her husband, is the primary caregiver/provider of food for Maya, who is this dog:


She's appeared here before, but not quite as adorable. This photo alone is worthy of high praise.

The more confused looking one on the right has her own blog HERE, and sometimes comments on this one, as well.

As with any good Christmas party, there occurred some partaking of beverages. Wassailing, if you will.


Or as the makers of this fine tequila might say "El wassail"

It's just shameful. I mean really, look at those two ruffians on the side, forcing such awful spirits on those innocent ladies.

If you don't know why that last line is hilarious, we need to hang out more.


Or you can watch THIS VIDEO.



Ha! Just kidding, that's not really a link. There is no video... or is there? Anyway, down the hatch.


Smoooth.

This was also the night of the Giants' loss to the Patriots. It sucked, but Eli put up a better struggle than I would have given him credit for. I didn't watch too much of the game, I somehow got distracted by


Irish Car Wassail.

Don't worry, I behaved myself. For the most part. First of all, Mr. and Mrs. Rev were there and secondly, I had to be up early the next morning to catch a generously given ride back to the NY of C. Wait, that doesn't work...

Anyway, it was a blast, and thank you very much to everyone there and back home that made my Christmas Break so enjoyable. Same time next year? Awesome

Peace Out.

Rev

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy New Year

Hello there, fellow 2008ers.

I am faced with an unusual blogging situation. One that I have rarely encountered. That is having so much to talk/type about that I don't really know where to begin. Having all of last week off was pretty awesome, and I had a nice relaxing break in good old Central New York, with several visits upstate as well.

Christmas Eve Eve, the parents and I went to the top of the Empire State to visit Lt. Rev and wife. Along the way I had to stop and have my picture taken at one of my favorite places, the Indian River General Store.



It's one of my favorite places because, as you may be able to tell from the photo, it was once a church, but is now a convenience store that peddles liquor, cigarettes and an impressive array of camping equipment. Anything that walks that tightrope of blasphemy is ok in my book. Also, I'm sure it would come in handy if you ever need to make a beer run whilst being attacked by vampires. Just don't get the hot chocolate. I felt obliged to buy something after running around taking pictures. While the girl behind the counter was surprisingly cute, the beverage was roundly disappointing.

On Boxing Day I went with Lt. Rev to Lake View Pond to do some ice fishing. I was not completely looking forward to it, because I had to wake up when the clock still said AM, and I was anticipating uncomfortably cold temperatures. Thankfully, the weather cooperated and the air was actually pretty warm. It was also very scenic. Check it:




It is my belief that God invented the subway to trick people into thinking that New York City has fresh air. This place had the real thing. It was wonderfully refreshing to be in such a wide open area with so few people around. Oh yes, and the fish. Check out this beast I caught:


That's a full 30 inches of Northern Pike. Bitch.

That monster was the largest of the six we reeled in that day. Earlier in the year, there were reports of it overturning boats, frightening livestock and swallowing children whole. I single-handedly ended its reign of terror and was given a medal by the mayor of whatever passes for a town around there. Here's the final group portrait:


Not bad.

But the day was not without its tribulations. The warm air and bright sun coupled to make the ice quite slick, so by the end of the day all of the shuffling around had made my thighs kind of sore, and I also slightly pulled what I take turns referring to as my 'boys' muscle,' 'groin' and 'suspension.' It wasn't serious, however and by the next day my mixture of pie, Discovery Channel HD and fireplace lounging had me back as good as new.

As far as Christmas presents go, I did pretty well this year. I hope Santa was good to the rest of you, as well. I won't get into too much detail, except to mention one magic item that was given me by my parents. It looks like a normal down comforter, but it's also something else entirely. Through thousands of years and dozens of cultures, there have been many names for the ultimate source of evil. The Devil, Lucifer, Satan, El Diablo, the Antichrist, Beelzebub, Mephistopholes, Oprah, The Horned God, Asmodan, Wal*Mart, Malebolgia, Ash-Shaytan, Azazel, Belial, Sammael, Angra Mainyu, The Adversary, Old Scratch, Baphomet, Abbadon and Hillary, to name a few.

Anyhow, whatever the name, the basic premise is that this comforter serves as a direct link between this entity and my sleeping mind. The first three nights I slept under it, my dreams reached a new height of crazy. And believe me, they didn't really need much help to begin with. I have a feeling that some of my nocturnal adventures may find their way to this internet, toned down and sanitized a bit, of course. Anyway, I call it the Satan Window, and it looks like this:


Don't be fooled by the penguin, either. Trust me, his soul is as evil as his bowtie is adorable.

Also, Oach managed to combine a few of my favorite things into one present. Any of you looking to impress me, take notes. He gave me a vintage Amazing Spider-Man #101, including the first appearance of Morbius, the Living Vampire. Awesome.


Yes, six arms. Don't ask unless you want to have a very involved conversation.

That's about it for now folks. I'll continue more holiday catching up later, including how I managed to single-handedly extinguish the light of the world.

Happy New Year,

Rev