Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Greatest Superbowl in 17 Years.

For all of you who watched the Superbowl on Sunday (read: not communists), how amazing was that? Very amazing, I'd say. I had one bottle of pepsi, too many Cheetos and three heart attacks. It was fantastic. There's a whole lot of jokes going around out there about 18-1, including t-shirts for sale, so I'm going to try to avoid all that.

But I am going to be honest. As much as I enjoyed the Giants winning (a lot), the victory was made all the sweeter by being able to destroy something that New England loved. It's like Godzilla smashing Tokyo, and along the way stepping on those creepy unison-speaking tiny twin girls that Mothra likes so much.

(Hint: In this metaphor, New England, you are Mothra)

Of course, by "New England" I mean "Boston." I've never really gotten comfortable with the fact that the Patriots hail from an entire region of the country. Both they and the Panthers really need to make up their minds. I mean seriously, New York (state) has three teams, and only one of them plays in said state, but at least they've picked a spot. There are no "tri-state area Jets" and no "New York Harbor-esque Giants." Adding to this is the fact that no one wants to be associated with New Jersey any more than they absolutely have to be.

Except Bon Jovi. But he's got a niche market to take care of.

people in bars in New Jersey.

Anyway, in honor of this freakin' awesome fantasmaludicrous victory, I have decided to direct my first full-length motion picture. The title?

Little Giants 2: Regular Giants.

The parallels are eerie. A huge underdog team was pitted against a more skilled, better-trained and, therefore, evil team. The evil teams had the same color scheme (Pee Wee Cowboys, NE Patriots). And, at both the beginning of the movie and the beginning of the Giant's season, their quarterback was a pre-teen girl just about to bloom into a young lady. Fortunately for all involved, Eli Manning bloomed into ELI F***ING MANNING, and the girl from Little Giants bloomed into a stone-cold fox.

Endzone, Two-hand touch, Blitz, there's no shortage of football punchlines to be used.

Basically, I'm pretty sure that if we look at this NFL season close enough, Rick Moranis played a highly inspirational role.

In preparation for this film I've started to do some casting.

ELI F***ING MANNING will be played by John Krasinski.

The often amazing Plaxico Burress will be played by the always amazing Taye Diggs

We'll have to use some special effects to make the 5'10" Diggs convincingly portray the 6'5" Burress, but since I'll have a limited budget, those special effects will probably look a lot like standing on a small box.

Irascible Head Coach Tom Coughlin will be played by the co-founder of contemporary Cool, Paul Newman.

Tom Brady... I don't know... maybe we could get Jack from Lost.

And the defensive line of the Giants will be played by a Grizzly Bear holding a flame thrower riding a Tyrannosaurus with rocket launchers strapped to its sides, all on top of a bulldozer made of human skeletons:

Damn... wish I could've found a picture of that one.

Suffice it to say, this will be the best movie ever and make amounts of money that haven't even been invented yet. (5.7 Saskatoolian dollars).

Check your local listings,



  1. I've always been partial to tight ends.

  2. Awesome. That was the best thing since the Will Farrell commercial..."Bud Light, suck one"

  3. Sorry that last comment should have been Lt. Rev to avoid confusion.

  4. No idea how I came upon your blog but I am cracking up laughing. Hailing from Boston and being a huge Patriots fan, and therefore being utterly pissed at how the season ended I welcome any and all mockery of the team.

    That and Tom Brady is being seen wearing a "murse", like all over LA.

    But if you start with my Red Sox I'm going to have to throw down some 'bows.


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