Monday, January 28, 2008

My Latest Attempt to Destroy the Universe

Behold the simplicity of it:

Genius or Madness?

For those of you blissfully ignorant of everything that is worth knowing, RC cola stands (or stood) for Royal Crown cola. So I got to thinking... What would happen should I blend these two liquids, nay, polar opposites?

Would they instantly destroy each other, like matter and anti-matter?

Would I be able to harness the power of this reaction to fuel a ship to travel around space and explore new life and new civilizations?

I've always wanted to have intergalactic adventures with a large disfigured black man, two disappointingly unattractive women, a futuristic Ray Charles, a Shakespearean actor, a dead guy and Jonathan Frakes.

Or will my combination undo the very fabric of reality by creating some sort of cosmic paradox, like I saw in that movie Dogma? Perhaps this is what happened to create the Nothing that was swallowing up Fantasia before Bastian saved the day by running away from all of his problems and reading.

Only one way to find out:

I swear to God I'll do it.

Don't push me...


Well, no energy vortex, no igniting the atmosphere. No 1.21 gigawatt output to rend the space/time continuum... So far it seems a bust.

But let's not jump to conclusions.

It seems this was a slower reaction than I had anticipated. The Universe wasn't destroyed, but just a few hours after that picture was taken, the Universe definitely had gotten blurry and dizzy. Then the Universe felt really sick. And the Universe was sick. And from that point, my memory of the Universe gets a little spotty... I seem to remember people staring at the Universe as it lurched around a subway car in an amazingly futile attempt to keep its balance. Then the Universe went to bed and didn't get up until 1 o'clock the next afternoon.

My readers, my friends, my strangers who accidentally found this post whilst searching for porn and have miraculously read this far, I pray you, learn from my example. Do not be lured by the siren call of Super Science. I have learned the lesson of Frankenstein, and Jurassic Park, and just about all of Spider-man's rogues gallery. There are forces in this universe that man is simply not meant to understand. I have aspired, and that experience has left me a broken and humbled man. Like Prometheus, I outstretched my hand to snag the fire of the Gods. And, like Prometheus, it's my liver that's paying for it.

That's exactly what it felt like.

Bye for now,


PS - Tonight was the worst episode of The Sarah Connor Chronicles EVER. NO hot cyborg, NO gunplay, just some guy in a blue tie talking about the government while surrounded by old people who broke into forced applause every ten seconds. No way does this count towards the John Connor/Cyborg Sex countdown.

The writers strike continues to ruin television...

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