Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Foray into Narcissism.

Upon reviewing last week's post (if you haven't read it yet, please do) a thought struck me. I claimed that were I to become an American Gladiator, my Gladiator name would be "Mouse." Sure, it gets the point across, what with the small frame, timid nature and delicious crunchy bones and all... but my point is this: in a comically testosterone fueled environment wherein people adopt action packed and vaguely dangerous nicknames...

Why wouldn't I just stick with 'Rev?'

It seems I've been saddled with the moniker for so long (practically born with it) that I've stopped associating it with its inherent meanings. I decided to poke around a little and see what other people are using the word for. Thanks Google! Also, I decided that I would present awards to my favorites, just to keep things interesting.

Also, Oach has just informed me that I don't get to pick my own Gladiator name and that it's up to the producers, and he's the producer around here and my Gladiator name is Mouse and that I better get used to the idea if I know what's good for me.

Anyway, the first thing I noticed when I Googled Rev was a bunch of religious sites. Reverends and bible verses from Revelation (see this blog's URL, for example. I didn't pick it at random, you know). People love Jesus. And He loves them, too. A few caught my eye however:

The award for Best Religious Entrepreneur goes to:

This guy.

The Reverend Jim Rehnberg at

"Providing Professional Ministerial Services Throughout Chicagoland."

Everything seems pretty ok about this. I'm sure there are plenty of Ronin Reverends out there willing to bless this and that and marry and baptise people to turn a buck. However, one thing caught my eye:

All other Rent-a-Rev Services

Vow renewal
Baby Dedication
Marriage/Family counseling
Group Facilitation

House Blessing
Stand Up Comedy

Really? Really Rev. Jim? Stand Up Comedy?? Got some sweet punchlines to lay down on us? "You ever notice how Anglicans preach like this... and Baptists preach like this? Am I right?" Let's just move on.

Best all-around Hooray for Jesus Site:

Though technically it's Rev! magazine. It also claims to be the gatew ay for all things Rev. Unfortunately, they have not yet linked to this blog. Perhaps the all things is a bit of hyperbole. Bonus points for the exclamation point and helpful links to shopping for all your pastor resources.

Enough religion. It's not that funny.

The Nerdiest Site Which I Still Found Fascinating:

The Rapid Earthquake Viewer

Taking a look at some of the images of maps and epicenters and radii just gives me the chills.

Check out this world map of recent earthquakes:

This further validates my opinion that everything that touches the Pacific Ocean sucks.

Best Rev product AND best Rev product debunking:

REV XP Fat Burner Review

Extra credit for sneaking that second Rev in "Review." Tricky, man, tricky.

Well, it's "Xtreme" and "Thermogenic" so... that's gotta be good, right?

Basically you're supposed to take this stuff and it will burn fat off of you. My prediction? You'll lose a lot of water weight as you piss yourself all the way to the emergency room. Each tablet of this "supplement" has about as much caffeine in it as 3.5 -4 cans of Mountain Dew. That's enough to give Juan Valdez a heart attack.

Best use of Buzzwords without substance:

I've read that site four times and still have very little idea what they actually do.

Most Badass Product to Keep in Mind for My Upcoming Birthday:

REV'IT is a European company that specializes in high quality motorcycle apparel and unnecessary apostrophes. Granted, I don't ride a motorcycle myself, nor am I likely to following an emergency room anecdote told me by Dr. Rev, but some of their casual stuff looks pretty sweet. Also, the general sleekness and styling of the whole site is top-notch.

I'll wrap things up about now. This last site has the best double entendre merchandise, but it also takes the cake for rampant homoeroticism and disturbing content.

What's so homoerotic about wrestling, you ask?


If you don't agree with me yet, look at the picture again, and sing 'Tiny Dancer' by Elton John.

That's what I thought.

And as for disturbing content? How does this hit you?

It's a low quality image, so I'll describe. It is an infant bodysuit with the phrase "Made Weight... Bring On the Bottle!"

Surely there's nothing wrong with normalizing one of the most harmful aspects of high school and collegiate wrestling, that is, starving oneself to wrestle in a lower weight class. The ladies call that 'anorexia.' The guys generally call it "But coach says..."

It's even better that it's printed on baby clothes. Baby plus starvation rarely equals cute.

The rest of their merchandise isn't so bad, though. Personally, I think every fine looking lady reading this site out there should own a shirt proclaiming their love of Rev Wrestling. And I'd be more than happy to oblige such a hobby.

As I am and ever shall be,


No comments:

Post a Comment

don't spam me please!