Monday, June 4, 2007

WTF, McDonalds?

Ok, now I'm pissed.

I have finally seen the light, McDonald's. I have been on your side for years. Me. Loyal to you. I watched Supersize Me the other day, and I was still unconvinced. I've applied for dual citizenship to McDonaldland. I learned that 14 is the number where Chicken McNuggets completely lose their appeal, but you have to keep going because you ordered the 20 piece, and Goddamnit, you're going to finish the 20 piece. There was a time, before I understood the concept, when I thought that the Ronald McDonald House would be the awesomest place to live ever. And now this.

Sure, we've had our misunderstandings in the past. That Quadruple Quarter Pounder with Extra Cheese that I had Rico make me back in high school nearly killed me (I now refer to it as the Pounder with Gusto). Maybe I've graphically threatened murder once or twice. But that's all water under the bridge. Simple stuff really. But this is just a slap in the balls.

I refer of course to the Shrek-themed abomination that is currently being served in the restaurants nationwide. This so called "Swamp-shake" is, get this, a MINT flavored milkshake!!!!1

You've got some stones, McDonald. You turn your back on Uncle O'Grimacey and leave the island of Manhattan Shamrock-Shakeless the entire month of March, but that big green sonofabitch comes along waving his Dreamworks money and you give it up like a drunken Sorostitute.

Let's examine the sinful menu item in question:

Nice job, by the way. Lovely color. That doesn't remind me of infected bile at all. Some sort of rich, frothy phlegm hacked up by the less well-off members of a Hawaiian leper colony.

And another shot:

Mmmm... split pea soup and loose bowels.

If you hadn't guessed, I'm trying to poison the mind of everyone reading this, so that you will not be able to order one of these from the menu.

Bare-assed truth be told, they're not that bad. It is a variation on the mint shake. This one supposedly has chocolate thrown in there. That's where the baby poo color comes from. It doesn't really show up in the flavor, except to add a slightly bitter aftertaste that is blissfully absent from the original, ambrosia-esque Shamrock Shake.

But WTF, McDonald's? St. Patrick's Day comes and goes without so much as a whimper from you, but all of a sudden, you can flood every single restaurant with this bastardization? Well, almost every restaurant. A few weeks ago I was in the Onley McDonalds in Virginia, and they didn't have the milkshake. The Flurry, yes, but not the milkshake.

I don't want any more excuses. Bring back the Shamrock Shakes in March.

I don't want to tell you again,


PS - As I was sitting in McDonald's conducting my research today, some smart-assed punk named Jason tried to stare me down. True story. I was minding my own business, when I got the sense that someone was looking at me. I glanced around and there he was. We locked eye contact in a pretty intense glaring match. I've got a pretty sweet glare, but I gotta tell you, the jackass gave as good as he got. It was rough going for a little while, but then he burned his mouth on a fresh-from-the-fryer french fry. With that rookie-level alliterated move, I claimed victory. Sure, the little bastard wanted a rematch, but by then his mother was pushing his stroller to another table. Sorry Jason, you lose.


  1. If you ever stop... I'll hunt you down in your sleep.



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