Monday, June 18, 2007


Ok, yeah. I'm a bad blogger. Nigh on two weeks without an update? That's lame. I make no excuses for my actions. You are beautiful people and you deserve the best, which is why I'm frankly surprised you're reading this at all. That being said...


It is wedding season, no doubt about it. I went to my first one of the year this weekend. One down, three more to go, I think? I lose track. Anyway I'm not going to get into the specifics of this one. Suffice it to say, I really can't stand the wedding ceremony.

Let's be completely honest. Who can? When you get an invitation to a wedding, everyone knows that it's all about the reception. If you're bringing a guest or not, what do you want to eat, which hotels you can get a room in to pass out, or hook up with bridesmaids, or cry (or all three!), those are all about the reception. To me, that's the part that actually celebrates the couple. People talking about how they met, and when you knew they were going to head down the aisle, and on a scale of one to ten, how pregnant is the bride right now?

It's the party, the cool part that everyone will remember. The ceremony, on the other hand, will be remembered by two people. The only two people required to be awake. You know, these two:

"your honor, I never said I wanted a divorce because she was insane..."

But seriously. The one I went to on Saturday was a Catholic ceremony, and I got the distinct impression that the bride and the groom weren't really that important to the goings-on.

"Welcome, we are here today to celebrate the Union of these two individuals, and while I think it's great that they've decided they like each other a whole bunch, I'm going to take the next two hours and talk about Jesus."

"Hi, I've never been married and my mother was a virgin. Good Luck, though"

Before all you DaVinci Code people get on my comment page, let me remind you that the road to Hell is paved not with good intentions, but with pages of Dan Brown's writing. I read Digital Fortress two weeks ago. Worst three hours of my life.

But I've decided that when (and if) I ever find someone to settle down with, the ceremony is going to be a fantastic preamble to the reception, and will make people completely forget their mental countdowns to open bar and old people dancing. How, you ask?

Jets of fire, a laser light show, animatronic dinosaurs... I haven't worked out all the details. I have, however, already decided on the bride's processional music: The Final Countdown, by Europe.

I guess I should focus more on finding a bride first... Hmph.

Oh, in other news: barring some misfortune or unlucky circumstance (knock on wood), I should be soon escaping Staten Island, and relocating to Astoria, where I can live near awesomely talented and beautiful people, and fool them into thinking I'm one of them.

Sorry again for the neglect,


1 comment:

  1. Went to a wedding last night where the couples were announced at the reception to Final Countdown. That's the closest I've seen and it was pretty cool. Your philosophy on the ceremony really resonates with me too by the way. Word.


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