Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Continuing that thought...

Disclaimer: this blog is a work of (hopefully) comedic fiction. If any of the people mentioned herein object to the use of their names and/or likenesses, please let me know and I'll remove them. This blog does not constitute an actual marriage proposal... unless the answer is yes.

Ok, the other day when I was shopping for a wedding present, and consulting the bridal registry information, I became extremely jealous. I would really love for people to buy me lots of nice cookware. Bed Bath & Beyond rocks my socks.

Evidently, however, in order for this to happen, you have to find someone who you can legally promise to love until at least one of you dies. This act is called a wedding and it sort of ties your souls together, turning two individuals into one bank account and potentially ruining your credit score. Enough cynicism yet? Ok, I'll move on.

Seeing as how I would love to have a nice bunch of place settings, or a high-end food processor, it may be time to get hitched. Therefore, I formally extend that invitation to Miss Phoebe Strole.



For those of you who do not know, Miss Strole is a cast member of the hit musical Spring Awakening, which at the age of 24, makes her much more successful than I am. I saw her in this production several months ago, and enjoyed it very much. I have made mention of her in the past, I believe, but with the sudden onset of this quarter life crisis/desire for a nice saucepan, I think it's time to go to the next level.

That's not to say this is a cut and dried matter, no sir. First of all, she's a native of Texas. Many of you know how I feel about that. More importantly, the rumor that's come to my attention has her romantically linked with fellow cast member Jonathan B. Wright.


Bastard.

He plays Hanschen, the narcissistic homosexual classmate of Melchior and Moritz. This makes him, at 20 years old, also more successful than I am. I remain unintimidated. Lord knows I haven't the best track record with girls with boyfriends, but hope springs eternal.

Also, if I may be so bold, this man is completely wrong for you, Phoebe. He is clearly the result of a decades-long genetics project to replicate and enhance the gaiety of Michael York. Don't get me wrong, I love Michael York. He was D'Artagnon in the greatest version of The Three Musketeers ever filmed. I don't mean to demean Mr. York in any way, and neither do I know why so much time and money was spent on this cloning programme. But the pictures don't lie:



Exhibit A.



Exhibit Fabulous.

At the very least, you need someone whose cheekbones pay heed to the laws of physics. Someone clever, someone who looks like Spider-Man and can crush a can between his shoulder blades. So come on, Phoebe, get rid of that guy and let's get hitched. You know, we don't even have to rush to that. There will always be T-Fal. We're still young and have plenty of time to make life-altering mistakes.

You want to just go get a cup of coffee or something?


Yours,

Rev

7 comments:

  1. That's very disrespectful. You know nothing about Jonathan B. Wright or Phoebe, leave them alone. You have no right to critisize people just because you're not happy with your own life. These are amzingly talented people, and they truly and good people in real life. Find something else to bad mouth, but not Jonathan B. Wright. Not him.

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  2. Hmmm... your concerns are noted.

    Thanks for reading!

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  3. Sorry Rev, looks like I was too busy critisizeing your blog to sign that anonymous comment. Amzingly silly of me. Won't happen again!

    P.S. My actual comment of substance is that my friend Lucas knows the kid from Spring Awakening who won the Tony. So you have, like, three degrees of separation between yourself and that musical theatre babe.

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  4. A.A. - Silly indeed. But I'll take the good news that there's a pseudo-network in place. Maybe I could get an autograph or something. You know, start small.

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  5. i agree with "anonymous" on this one. Johnny B is AWESOME. How can you possibly cut down someone that goooood looking anyway!? He is AMAZING at what he does.

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  6. Pres. Michael York Fan ClubJune 24, 2007 at 9:01 AM

    Dear Sir: You certainly missed the boat on this one. J. Wright doesn't come close to the gaiety of Mr. York.
    What are you trying to be...funny?

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  7. hahahahahahah i don't even know if you still check this but i'm phoebe's sister, annie, and after creepily googling my own sibling, i stumbled upon this hilarious entry.

    believe me, both her and i could not agree with you more.

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