Monday, May 21, 2007

Double Bauer Pauer Hauer

Oh thank you. Thank the sweet Jesus Mayor of Christland, this day is over.

There was lots of shooting of anonymous chinamen, so that was good. Ricky Schroder went blind, partly from a bomb, mostly from years of masturbating his ego. That was also good.

Chloe is pregnant? Whaaat? Bizarre cameo from Milo's L.L. Bean-Model brother? Confusing at best.

All in all, I'd say that this finale went down as a fitting cap to a mediocre season. It was long, there were a lot of words drowned out by my apathy. I got confused by the conflicting subtexts concerning feeling sympathy regarding the unbelievable pressures of the Oval Office and feeling outrage regarding the evil of making decisions based on acceptable losses.

Then I remembered that I'm not supposed to be thinking while I watch this show, and I got mad that they were making me.

I'm pretty sure the character of Jack's 16 year old nephew was originally written to be his 6 year old niece, but some producer needed a way to get out of some gambling debts, so the role was changed with absolutely no script alteration.

Man, I really wanted that kid to catch a bullet. I think it would be a great way to further vilify the head Chinese bad guy, and then Jack could go nuts with his Glockenslice, instead of taking him into custody in some sort of "turnabout is fair play" BS.

Seriously, like a little bit of waterboarding and a few nude human pyramids is going to be as bad as an 18 month stay in a Chinese Prison Camp. Hell, that's not even as bad as a Boy Scout Summer Camp (j/k boyscouts, you're all right, but I had to go for the punchline).

Bill Buchanan should have taken him out, or something. I love Bill, but as far as I can remember, he's coming up pretty short in the body count category.

Late realization alert: Jack's sister-in-law is played by the same actress as Nathan's no-longer-crippled wife on Heroes. My Spidey sense was buzzing when she rolled on a few episodes ago, but I couldn't place her face... just the odd feeling that she should be surrounded by sucking.

And Jack, did you really just describe yourself as being at a crossroads? I hate what you've become. Walking out and watching the sunrise with those wistful eyes. I just was waiting for the Incredible Hulk sad walking away music to play, just like two seasons ago, when you went wandering away down the train tracks.

Jack, accept who you are, turn to the dark side, and use your newfound unholy powers to sacrifice Chloe's baby in a midnight blood ritual to resurrect Curtis.

Wow, I blacked out a little bit there, but that is a season I would watch.

The Day is saved, and I can finally stop this segment of my blog... until next season... maybe

Later folks,



  1. I think the best part of this finale is that it may provide a clean slate for next year... they really cleaned out the garbabe. Buchanan and his wife are gone if need be (I like the characters individually, but not the "relationship" shit)... Chloe and her ex can be gone for a day (again... like the characters, not the relationship), Audrey is a veg (ibid character/relationship)... at this point, there is no cliffhanger or anything that has to be dealt with, so hopefully the dumb ass writers will just get back to the roots of the show and avoid the stupid melodrama and relationship nonsense.

    And, I'm spent.

  2. Hey Rev, I am Jake's friend Jenny's husband, Jeremy. I have been faithfully reading your writing and appreciate it a great deal. Just last night, I discovered a website that I think may be of interest to you. The URL is as follows:
    I cropped and ran the footer photo at the bottom of your log and behold! The resulting outcome was quite entertaining and gratifying in light of the long-standing theory which states: "Rev looks like Tobey Maguire". Enjoy.


  4. Hey Jeremy,
    Your introduction had a lot of J's, and temporarily stunned me. But thanks for the URL and the readership. I can use it to disprove all those haters out there... even though it does say my #2 celeb lookalike is Mischa Barton.

    New Tex,
    I agree with you. The amount I'm supposed to care about the relationships of the characters is directly proportionate to the amount I want those characters to die.


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