Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Why, free you say? Don't mind if I do.

So basically I thought that today would start out as a regular boring old Tuesday. Actually, worse than that, as I hadn't slept very well last night. A sense of general unease and several miniature snickers bars kept me awake, and my housemate decided to get ready for work at 4 am. Oftentimes I am a heavy sleeper (it helps with the zombie dreams) but for some reason I was tossing and turning all about last night. Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

Today was a celebration of Freedom. By that I mean people giving things to me, and not expecting compensation. That's the best way to be given things, in my opinion. With the roles reversed, of course, I am all about usury and exploitation. There are exceptions, of course. I am learning to be wary of many free things. Massages in the Staten Island Ferry Terminal Men's Room are a fantastic example of something free that I politely decline.

I also had some bad run ins with free energy drinks. Monster being the brand name of the first one. Don't buy this. Don't take it for free. If you find yourself in possession of one of the cans, throw it at a homeless man. Believe me, don't pour it down the sink. The smell alone will make you die a little, and who knows what it will mutate in the drain system, and let's be honest, the Ninja Turtles have enough to worry about.

Also I took a proferred can of 180 Blue or something to that effect. Supposedly some sort of blueberry flavour. Wow. Terrible. You remember Violet from Willy Wonka?

No, the Original.

That's the one. Tasted like her ass.

Anyway, today's free stuff was good!

It all started at lunchtime. I helped my temporary boss set up a conference room for a meeting that I had helped to plan. By "helped to plan" I mean that I sent increasingly annoying and crabby emails to all of the participants on my boss' behalf, but still signing my own name. These men were large and, in my mind, glaring at me with burning, beady eyes. That's the downside.

The upside is that it was a lunch meeting, so there was a buffet set up! Screw you guys, get your paperwork in like you're supposed to and I won't whine at you. Now shut up while I eat this chicken wrap and seriously consider following it with a salmon sandwich. Is that Mozzarella? I'll assume yes and take a bite. Oh God- Tofu. Mental Barf. Sweet Jesus, why would you do that to me? Are they watching me fight this gag reflex? Give me those Peanut Butter cookies. Oh yeah... ohhh yeahhh... Ok, lunch is over, time to hover awkwardly until my boss says I can leave. Sweet. Peace out!

Now, having eaten lunch FOR FREE with minimal awkwardness, I'm going to take a stroll around the Village. Oh, what have we here? A pretentious student band playing interminable songs on trumpets and saxophones. Sure, I'll watch for a little while. Hey, that guy on the Bari Sax looks like Serpico.

Serpico looks like this:

Jesus people, watch a movie.

Anyway, this production seems a little large scale... what's the motive? Hmm... Steinhardt seems to be promoting elections. Are those... They are! Tables full of free Crap! I politely smiled at people and made off with a water bottle, a lanyard and some sort of nylon bag whose function I've yet to discover. AND IT GETS BETTER!

Today, for those of you in the know was Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day! I give a very special thank you to my coworker for bringing this to my attention. But shame on her for not taking advantage of the offer herself. After work I made my way to Chelsea, stood in line for 10 minutes and became the proud owner of a cone full of Phish Food. No money changed hands Your Honor.

Sorry, force of habit.

The verdict... Free Stuff is Cool! Especially delicious ice cream or samples of addictive narcotics, which are in many ways the same thing. They'll both take your money and ruin your teeth.

That's all for now. Have a lovely day, everybody.



  1. I tried to spread the Gospel of Free Ice Cream to everyone too, though in a sad twist of fate I did not get to partake my own self.

    To compensate myself, I'm going to steal some.

  2. Free trinkets are always good, free ice cream is better. Mmmm...Phish food....drool....


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