Friday, March 23, 2007

A Daydream into Omnipotence

I haven't been given much to do at work today, so naturally I got to thinking... what would I do if I were to wield supreme power over the earth? Well, here's a few things that would change.

- All Saint Bernards would be required to wear miniature barrels around their necks.

- The punishment for practicing witchcraft would be death.

- The punishment for accusing someone of witchcraft would also be death.

- Money spent in the pursuit and attainment of awesomeness would be tax deductable, with proper photographic/video documentation.

- For all civil litigation, there would be but one law: Thunderdome.


All Rise, the honorable judge Master Blaster presiding.

- There would exist a section of the paper highlighting people who have had exceptionally long and satisfying urination. The sole reason for this is to justify the phrase "I have to piss like you read about."

- In order to view/operate a television, you would have to be registered as having at least a fifth grade reading level. Sorry, Arkansas.

- Popped collars would be an early symptom of AIDS.

- Computers would administer an electric shock to anyone who uses numbers or letters as substitutes for words.

- Once a year, the following people would be required to make a formal, public apology for themselves.

Kevin Costner
Kathy Griffin
Ashton Kutcher
Larry the Cable Guy
Halle Berry
Jim Belushi

- Both Mel Brooks and Clint Eastwood would be granted real immortality.

- Prison Uniforms would be replaced by clown costumes, to make the brutality and rape that much more entertaining.

- In addition to the public library, there would be established a Dead Hooker Rental Center. You know, because it's really hard to find one when you need to.

Catch you folks later,

Rev

8 comments:

  1. Two men enter. One man leaves.

    And actually, I have a greater need for a Dead Hooker Disposal Center.

    Nice blog.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi TK!

    While I fully support the pee pee section of your local paper, I have to take issue with your Mel Brooks infatuation.

    I can't stay awake through Braveheart to save my life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. TK - Thanks! And like any good library, the Dead Hooker Rental Center gladly accepts donations from the community. No questions asked.

    Lover/Fighter - Brooks, Gibson, what's the difference? Besides one hating the other for being Jewish, of course.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fuck. Gibson. I meant Gibson.

    I misread.


    Goddammit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. y do u not like using letters or #s 4 words? its not like grammer r spelling suffer. i can type so much faster if i use text-type n no punctuation n avoid shift key

    ReplyDelete
  6. Matt - how busy is your schedule that you have to shorten three-letter words while typing? Are you that pressed for time? Plus, you sound like a 10 year old.

    Though I do love the use of lol. Right, Meg?

    Right?!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Lovey/Fighty - Don't worry about it, happens to the best of us. I do like Braveheart, though

    M@tt - R U 4 real? NE1 can C that UR Bing ridiculous. STFU noob. pwned


    TK - I'd leave him alone, I get the feeling he's probably armed.

    ReplyDelete

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