Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

From the archives:

Christmas Soup

‘Twas the day before Christmas

And all over the world,

Everyone was content

Except one little girl.

Her mother upstairs in bed with the flu,

She had to confront what she now must do.

With mom feeling ill, and out of the loop

It had fallen to her to make Christmas Soup.

‘Twas a cruel twist of fate for such a beginner

To have to lead off the holiday dinner.

And so towards the kitchen the little girl crept

While upstairs in bed, her sick mother slept

Into the recipe the small girl dove,

Set out ingredients and turned on the stove.

All was just fine for a quarter an hour,

After that, I’m afraid, things began to turn sour.

A smidgen of everything was thrown in the pot

A little of this… oops, that was a lot.

It had started so well, but then lost its charm

The girl sadly unplugged the fire alarm.

The meat had turned black, the veggies were blue

She wasn’t sure what it was, but it wasn’t a stew.

With a soft sigh, the girl turned off the heat,

Slopped the stuff in the bowl, and slumped in defeat.

The concoction was lumpy, and looked much like glue

(surely much worse than her mother would do).

Into the fridge it went with a shove,

A bowl full of goo, cooked up with love.

On Christmas day, as dinner drew near,

The little girl’s stomach was knotted with fear.

How would her family react? Would the soup spell out doom?

Would they all take a trip to the Emergency Room?

At the dining room table, the fam took their places

Nervous smiles adorning all of their faces.

As the soup was warmed up, the girl grew suspicious

For the scent that arose was nothing short of delicious!

The meat it was tender, the veggies were good

It looked and smelled just as a Christmas Soup should.

The family exclaimed, as the soup disappeared

What a great soup maker they had sitting here.

Later mother would claim, in her holiday sweater

It was that moment she started feeling much better.

As the family sat and slurped with delight,

The girl swore she heard sleigh bells out in the night.

And a voice rang out loud as she rushed to the stoop

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good soup!”

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

SAT Time. Grab your pencils.

I don't think I'm alone in thinking the Scholastic Aptitude test would be a lot cooler if it reflected things that students are likely to come across in everyday life. Sure, I love awesome obscure words as much as the next guy, but sometimes those questions are just ridiculous. Oh that reminds me, please pardon my misprision. I shouldn't wait so long between posts.

So rather than alter the entire world to reflect the SAT, I decided to write a few analogies of my own and we can play together. And by play together I mean you'll try really hard, but I'll judge you and keep you from getting into really good schools.


Number 1:

Alcohol : Guitar Hero :: _________ : The Price is Right

A) Bidding One Dollar

B) Plinko

3) Bob Barker

D) Wheel of Fortune

The reason I bring this up is because on Friday, after dinner and margaritas, Oach, Mr. Morchison and I went and mixed vodka with Guitar Hero. Oh right, the answer I was going for was the letter three. Why? Because without it, there's really no point in watching. I've tried the game twice without booze, and once with it. And that one time, I was jammin'. Not jamming, but jammin'.

At one point I was rocking back and forth, biting my lower lip, and feeling the rhythm. For that beautiful second, I forgot that I was playing a very silly and pretty much stupid game (a thought that never once left my head the other two times). Suddenly I was onstage, listening to the virtual audience screaming for me, pushing those three (yup, I play it on easy) buttons. I was a superstar! To illustrate this point in a seasonally appropriate manner:

I was rockin out with my stockin out.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Number 2:

Japanese : Filmmaking :: French : _________

1) lovemaking

2) toast

C) Cowardice

4) War

All right fine, this is an easy one. Even if you're not already familiar with the glaringly obvious failings of these two groups, you should still be able to come up with the correct answer
using the "One of these things is not like the other" method, named in singsong fashion by my 9th grade global studies teacher, Mr. Powers. Of course it's number 4.

The reason I bring this point up is that I recently watched the movie Battle Royale. I've got to tell you, it's pretty messed up. The plot revolves around a group of ninth grade teenagers being sent to a deserted island and forced to kill each other until only one remains. Despite it being ripped off from quite a few sources, I give the Japanese some credit. They actually have half of a decent film on their hands. If they threw away the last half and just ended in the middle of the film with one of those THE END? screens, it would be a triumph. As it stands, it becomes a muddled mess at the end with no clear message and plot holes big enough to crash a fighter plane through.

One theory as to why it has not yet been distributed in the US after being one of the top 10 highest grossing films in Japan is that this country is slightly touchy about the subject of teenagers shooting each other. With good reason, too. It happens far too often. I just happen to think it slightly hypocritical that we wholeheartedly indulge in every other kind of cinematic violence imaginable, but decide to shy away from this one.

On the other hand, the Japanese production company might just want more money than the US distributors are prepared to give. Whatever. If you want to check it out, you can find the torrent online. Just do yourself a favor... watch until just after the big explosion, then turn it off and write your own ending. It will hold together a whole lot better than what's been provided.

Hm. In retrospect, this post is kind of boring. I'll see what I can do next time.

Peace out,


Monday, December 3, 2007

The Most Painful Thing on the Internet

I'm quite serious. Those of you with children should probably get them out of the room to prevent massive psychological scarring. Hours and hours of therapy costing thousands of dollars. Dozens of headlines and trials and evaluations, all the neighbors judging and avoiding eye contact... All completely avoidable.

Actually, on second thought... make them watch. The world needs psychos, right?

Anyway, the tale of this particular vomit wrenching horror can be summed up in one word:


Forgive us Lord, we knew not what we did.

A few things I did enjoy about that video:

1) Ignorant people booing our awesomeness.

2) Me jumping like I was being burned by that old woman that tried to horn in on the action.

C) Hmmm... nope, just those two things.

The reason for that karaoke was the celebration of two birthdays. Mr. Morchison's and Sandstone's. I should have a picture around here somewhere...


Oh, Mr. Morchison, how can you look that serious whilst wearing a sombrero?

You need a lesson from: EL HOMBRE DEL SOMBRERO LOCO!!!!!!!!!!!!!one

!Senor Morchison! !No esta triste! !!!!!Esta muy LOCO!!!!!

!Escuche mi pandereta mágica!

And El hombre del sombrero loco waved his magic tambourine high in the air and Mr. Morchison was transformed!!!!!!!


Wow. That was even more ridiculous than I thought it was going to be when I thought of it.

Also last Tuesday at lunch I stumbled upon a Writers Guild of America rally. I saw many famous people including:

-Tim Robbins

-Danny Glover

-Amy Poehler

-Seth Meyers

-Rachel Dratch

-BJ Novak

And last but certainly not least (not even last, really, I just got tired of listing):

Tina Fey.

Her I actually spoke to. I told her that I very much enjoy her show and I aspire to be a part of it someday.

I really wanted to profess my undying love.

Tina, it's ok that you're married and have a daughter. We didn't know each other then, I couldn't expect you to wait for me forever. I mean it's bad enough you had to wait 13 years for me to be born. There's still time to make it right.

Elizabeth Stamatina Fey... my number One.


Catch you later,


PS - Phoebe Strole, you and I are finished.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Now That's the New York City Experience

Ok, so I had two firsts yesterday. I went to a Knicks game and someone tried to pickpocket me. These were unrelated events, even though the second one happened while I was on my way to the first one.

Here’s the sitch. That was supposed to be short for situation, but I guess it doesn’t really translate well from spoken English to text. I think it’s the extra letters you need. Oh well, it’s not important. But anyway, I was getting off the uptown 6 train to transfer to the shuttle to Times Square to transfer again to the downtown 1 train in an unnecessarily complicated way of avoiding being rained upon.

Walking sucks.

Anyway, I was walking past a crowded group of commuters and tourists, when I felt the slightest of jiggles from my backpack. I’m no stranger to being jostled in and around subways, but this one wasn’t your normal rush hour crowding push. It felt like it was pretending to be, though. Sort of a “whoops, man this crowd is terrible look what it’s making me continue to do.” Basically, my spidey sense was tingling.

Pixelated and alarmed.

So I quickly reached back, grabbed my bag and turned around, to see a heavyset Hispanic man intentionally looking away. His hands were chest height, holding an mp3 player as a convenient alibi for having his hands directly in front of him and in my backpack. I fixed him with a glare as he sidestepped deftly into a subway car which I was not going to board.

Upon review of my backpack, the zipper on the small pocket had been pulled open enough for a thieving, smelly gypsy bastard to slip his hand inside. A quick inventory showed that I had reacted quickly enough and none of my stuff had been taken. Granted, I had nothing of any intrinsic value in that pocket, but he might have gotten away with some free samples of Axe shower gel and a few burned CDs. Still, it was an enlightening experience that whetted my desire to see some good old-fashioned vigilante justice take place in the subways.

The Punisher - tough on criminals, tougher on audiences.

The moral of the story, kids – don’t leave anything valuable in outer pockets of your bags. Also, never get near to another human being, ever. However, if you happen to live shoulder-to-shoulder with 8 million other people… well, just be careful.

On to the Knicks!

I guess Knickerbockers is just too many letters... but I like the sound of it.

I managed to snag two tickets at a discounted rate through my place of work. I decided to do this because I’ve never been to Madison Square Garden before, and I figured it would be a good time. Here’s a paraphrased conversation between my father and I regarding the game:

Me: I have tickets to a Knicks game on Monday

Mr. Rev: Really? Who are they playing?

Me: Utah.

Mr. Rev: I dare you to name one player on either of those teams.

Me: Ummm… There’s uh… you know, that guy. The tall one.

Mr. Rev: Oh yeah, him. He’s good.

And scene.

So the plan was for Oach to fly into the city and then meet up with me at MSG. However, his flight was cancelled, and then his backup flight was cancelled, and so at the time of this writing I have absolutely no idea where he is, or when he’s scheduled to be anywhere.

Anyhow, that prompted a flurry of emails and ultimately I attended the game with this person, I’ll refer to her as Moe, for this reason:

This is her in costume as Moe from the Nickelodeon show GUTS. I very nearly posted her as a candy corn witch, but I’ll make you people do some research to see that (it’s worth it).

Moe knows possibly less about the sport of basketball than I do, but we had a fantastic time. For a large chunk of time I was confused as to why the scoreboard was referring to the quarters of the game as ‘periods’ until I smacked myself in the head and remembered that the Rangers use that scoreboard as well.

The game itself was very exciting. We sat near a very loud group of cheering people who had cowbells and handed out free Snapple inflatable Thunderstix. I may never go back to clapping again. They’re colorful, they make a distinctive sound and they’re ridiculously phallic. Hours of entertainment.

At one point, the man sitting next to Moe mentioned something about the Stix that I didn’t hear. One of Moe’s thunderstix was leaking air through a puncture, and so, over the roar of the crowd, she shouted back “MINE HAS A HOLE IN IT AND IT’S GETTING LIMP!” After several seconds, she reviewed that sentence in her head and became understandably embarrassed. I don’t think the man minded, though.

Our heroes the Knicks held onto a lead throughout the game, though several times Utah pulled within 2. The crowd was on its feet and banging its thunderstix (limp and otherwise) together as New York went on to their second win after an embarrassing 8 game losing streak. Moe and I are converts to the cause of professional basketball, and I suspect I’ll be going back the next time I can get my hands on some cheap tickets.

Well, I’ve rambled on long enough. I’ll catch you folks later.



Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

As promised, here is the picture of Double Turkey '06. They tasted even better than they look.

Also pictured: homemade apple pie.



Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I think I'm going to enjoy this...

Hello, and welcome back to what has apparently become my weekly blogging. This serves as both an update and a precursor to that most fantastic of holidays: Thanksgiving.

Ah, yes, the extra special holiday that celebrates the noble white Protestants beginning the process of accepting back this wonderful landmass which those pesky indigenous peoples were keeping warm for us. Hilarious events in US history aside, Thanksgiving is an unparalleled celebration of my second favorite deadly sin: Gluttony.

Oh yeah, and Sloth. Sloth is good too. Maybe my fourth favorite.

Eating is awesome. Some people may incorrectly assume that I don’t really enjoy it that much, since I seem to do it less than I should. But hey, this looks like a pretty happy guy, right?

Minutes later, I would forget about the orange fingertips and rub my eyes. Happens every time.

Tomorrow I'm headed back to Central New York, away from this city and its production of 'How the Lazy Stagehands Stole Christmas." It’s going to be nice to get back to good old Whitesboro, where they really know what Thanksgiving is all about.

An oldie, but a goodie.

No, no, we’ve been over this. The food, man, the food.

The Revs do it right. Though unfortunately attendance is predicted to be somewhat low at the Rev Thanksgiving, I’m sure there’s going to be gorging and falling asleep by the fireplace. Indeed, if all goes well, it's going to be an honest to goodness pattern of behavior.

Last Thanksgiving was quite infamous, and set the bar pretty high as far as plenty goes. Apparently, we decided that one turkey was simply not enough too much food. To that end, my Mother prepared the traditional roast turkey in the oven, whilst my Father oversaw the deep-frying of a second bird in the back yard. Behold and salivate:

I'm sorry, I've looked all over the place and I just can't find my picture of Double Turkey '06. I'm going to have to post it from the W'Boro. It's something, trust me.

To convince myself I've truly earned the privilege of breaking out my trusty Turkey-and-pie Funnel, I believe I'm going to take part in something called a Turkey Trot.

A more accurate title for it would be the Turkey arduous mile and a half trek up a rather steep hill, past the woods in which Honus was sexually propositioned while "looking for mushrooms" and to the top of the Ski Hill which exists in the center of Utica.

I swear, for the majority of my life I never thought that having this within city limits was unusual.

Oh yes, I'm going to have to jog back down the hill, too.

Would you like some whine with your Thanksgiving Turkey?

I'm going to go pack up some stuff in preparation for the journey tomorrow. One more thing, though. Ace sent me this picture from my recent trip to Buffalo. I like it. I call it "Rudely Interrupted Breakfast."

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.


Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Such goings on.

Greetings friends,

Once again it's been a while since I've blogged at you. Not as bad as that other time, but you know, still long. But lucky you, I'm back and I've got stuff to talk about. Oh yeah, what seems like three weeks ago, I got "tagged," which is kind of like a blogger textually transmitted disease. Apparently I have to tell 7 interesting/weird things about myself or else... I don't think it had specific threats, but probably eleventy years of bad luck, or my crush will never know I exist, or some fictional child will die of fictional brain worms. You know, the usual email stuff. Here goes:

1) I have a strange affinity for the time 10:16, especially on digital clocks.

2) When microwaving food, I do not set the timer to any number divisible by 5.

3) I was the 1995 New York State Jaycees BB gun champion.

4) I am a giant fan of Spider-man. I am afraid of spiders.

5) I have been hospitalized once for a concussion suffered in a car accident, and once after a nasty yappy lap dog chewed up my hand.

6) I have a long-standing habit of misplacing my shoes, which has been temporarily rectified by living in a small apartment.

7) Imaginary brain worm kid is going to die.

Well Gosh, that was fun.

So lots of stuff has been happening in Revland. First off, I got a job. I know I haven't mentioned work much on this blog, for the very good reason that I am a professional and take work seriously, and not everyone appreciates humor and/or appearing in caricature form on some rambling digital coolness. You'll notice I rarely (if ever) use the real names of people I know. Oach, Honus, Mr. Morchison, Lt. Rev and so on (though why Honus chooses to reveal real names on my comment boards is beyond me). Anyway, it's good news, so hooray for me.

Secondly, I learned that I have fans. More accurately, people I know who enjoy this blog, but have never told me that they read it. Like this girl:

Oh, Champ.

Also this one:

I think I'll call her VanHalen1984side2, in an exercise in obscurity.

Thank you both for reading, and everyone else don't be shy. Say hello, and I might post a picture of the two of us.

Now between leaving my last gig and starting this new gig, I decided to take a mini-vacation. Where did Rev go? Overseas, mayhaps? To some warm beach to work on his tan? Nope. Beautiful, sunny Buffalo was my destination.

My passport is in Whitesboro, and I only had a few days, so I decided to visit my buddy from college... I think I'll call him Ace. Anyway, Ace and VanHalen1984side2 were gracious enough to put me up for a few days.

They seemed pretty happy about it, actually.

It was a fun visit. I got to relax and watch some movies en route. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is good. Underworld: Evolution and Beerfest are not.

Also I got to satisfy my Buffalo wing jones at Duff's. Man, that was good. I've yet to have worthwhile wings here in the City. If anyone has any suggestions as to a decent Buffalo wing, please let me know.

Also, I went to the Albright-Knox Art Gallery. It was Free Friday, and evidently Japan night. VanHalen1984side2 and I made origami cranes. Here's a sample:

I have named them Hugin and Munin and they now live on my type tray.

Both bonus points and demerits for anyone who understands those names.

I'll close this blog entry soon, but I'd like to share a few more pictures first. Here's me with my Buffalo parents:

and here's one that I don't think the subject remembers taking:

That's all for now,


Oh, just one more thing. Anyone think this guy looks like Ando from Heroes?

Friday, November 2, 2007

Halloween pt. 2

All right, let's do this. If you haven't already, read part 1 directly below. Do it now, so you can be caught up with the glory of Halloween, and my status as the Lord of the McFlies.

Savvy? Good. Wednesday brought Halloween and with it the Village Halloween Parade. I had never been before, and neither had Oach, so we decided to give it a look-see. This year's theme was "Wings of Desire." F that. It was Doc and Marty all the way.

But if you ever want to see a bunch of freaks in costumes, mark your calendar for this event. It was not time effective to go all the way home to go all the way back to where the parade lineup was, so I headed out directly from work, having changed in the bathroom, and picked up Doc from his place of business. Onto the parade lineup.

Some good costumes:

GoGo and a Crazy 88

Running with Scissors.

A skill crane game. Bonus points for... well, everything. A+

But a little something about the lineup for the parade. People suck. The way that the parade is arranged, they alternate a group of general public costume people with a float, or a band, or a group of some kind. That means there's a general holding pen of people. And because people suck, everyone has to be at the front. Which means they constantly cram themselves forward when there's nowhere to go. If only cows were this stupid, then slaughterhouse design would be a piece of cake.

It looked a little like this:


By the way, the man in the brown cap in the foreground evidently went as a sexual predator. He had no costume to speak of, and spent all of his time getting inappropriately close to girls he didn't know, not speaking, and smiling/laughing in a really creepy way. Gross. I threw up in my mouth a couple of times.

We didn't see any other Marty McFlys, but we did see one other Doc Brown at the line up. You can see him (her) just behind Oach in this one.

We didn't want to be too obtrusive, because her costume sucked by comparison.

Oach offers an editorial comment.

But anyway, once the parade got moving along it was fantastic. Here we are enjoying the fantasticity:


We started off the parade right near the NY Jedi group. These folks are hardcore. I captured a video of one of their very well-choreographed lightsaber duels. Don't mind the sound, some jackass couldn't keep his mouth shut:

It's so typical. Everyone is having a good time, then some bantha fodder has too much Corellian Brandy, the sabers come out, and the evening is ruined for everyone. Damn Jedi. We needed a good bounty hunter around there...

"My backpack's got jets, I'm Boba the Fett
I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt to finance my 'Vette"

There were some crazy floats, including this one with the Kostume Kult:

Hello Ladies.

Ron Jeremy was there, too:

As with all good things, the parade eventually came to an end. Oach and I were ridiculously hungry, so we met up with some fans:

and headed to Mustang Sally's Bar and Grill.

And after that, all that was left was to wander home, hunger sated and eyelids heavy.

Well that's all for now. If you want to see all of the pictures I took, you can head over HERE.

Hope everyone else had as much fun as we did. Next year will be even better.



Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween pt. 1

Ok here we go. I know I've been hyping Halloween for a few weeks (because it's awesome) but now I'm ready to unveil the costume.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Rev's Halloween 2007:

Marty McFly.

Oh yeah, that's right. And what would Marty be without an eccentric genius to build a time machine out of a DeLorean?

1.21 Gigawatts of sweet costume.

and the back view:

"Are you telling me that this sucker is nuclear?"

and the two of us:


Ok yeah, so that's me. Oach and I actually got two uses out of our sweet costumes. On Saturday, we were looking for Halloween activities, and decided that we should go to the most horrifying and scary place ever. New Jersey.

Yeah pretty much like that.

Hoboken, to be precise. I'm not going to lie, it had a few good things going for it. Everyone loved playing Bon Jovi, and we met up with some other sweet costumes.

I found another Michael J. Fox aficionado:

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!

We also met up with a Michael Vick that may have permanently altered my stance on dogfighting :

"do you like Huey Lewis and the News?"

In additon, (S)he was hanging out with a lesser-known High School Musical character:

Troy Bolton's abandoned ex-girlfriend. He doesn't return her calls and swears they "didn't even go all the way." Go Wildcats!

Ok folks, now that the unveiling is done, I'm going to do the Halloween parade coverage in my next post. I hope everyone's holiday was as fun as mine was, and don't worry, I won't wait all week to put the next stuff up.

Peace out.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007


That pretty much says it all. Village Halloween Parade tonight. My costume has been completed, and brings joy. Pictures to follow tomorrow. Unless I'm lying again. But no, I take Halloween too seriously.


Thursday, October 25, 2007


Ok, fine… that title doesn’t have anything to do with most of what I’m writing about today. It’s just one of my new favorite phrases. I picked this one up this morning from an email forward I got at work today from some Neo-Aryan crackpot douche. Here is a sample of what his upcoming book/explosion promises:

You’ll learn about why Bill Clinton is actually Gefiltefish in Blackface. Why John McCain will come to be known as Jewface John. And why The Oprah earned the name Mama O. That’s short for Mama Obama because she’s the political birth mother of Obama sin Laden.”

Ok, first off… that paragraph is probably the most coherent part of the entire email. Secondly, and this is very important, neither With Great Blogging Comes Great Responsibility nor its writer/creator/sexy genius Rev endorse any of the opinions put forth by the abovementioned hate-spewing, barely literate ass hat. I really don't want to get a lot of hate mail (or worse, fan mail) over posting that.

That being said, I think Jewface John would be simultaneously the worst and best Dick Tracy villain ever.

Hard-hitting, two-fisted gumshoe? Yes. Wildly anti-semitic? I certainly hope not.

But enough of that and onto real blogging issues. Like what I did this past weekend, and how much I’m looking forward


Jack Skellington is one of my personal heroes, and not just because he's pale.

Anyway, this past weekend Oach (Once And Current Housemate) had a visit from our other former housemate. I'll call him FH, for simplicity's sake. Collectively, we're known as -2, and also Team Azerbaijan. This isn't important information, but it helps to explain the previous post.

There we are.

Also along for the ride were FH's two brothers. They got into town on Friday, and since I had to work, Oach showed them around a bit. I got back to the apartment just in time to play the card game asshole for an hour or two.

The dress code was strictly enforced. We're not a cult, but I am thinking of starting one. Interested? Submit your headshots and resumes and souls.

Then it was time to hit the town. We headed out to a get together orchestrated by our good friend Mr. Morchison.

Subway transfer pandemonium!

Morchison et al.

So basically, that night was an absolute blast. It was so fun that FH's personal gravity was completely skewed:

Don't worry, he got better.

By comparison, Saturday night was a complete wash. Highlights include: an unfortunate encounter with dog poop, pretentious bouncers at a club completely in love with itself, me assuming the identity of Russian exchange student Mikhail Horvac, nasty fat trannies and their entourage, one tranny physically assaulting FH in the name of "Dance with me," and wandering around Times Square at 3:30 AM. Some good stories in there that I might share later.

But second topic: How much am I looking forward to Halloween?


Favorite Holiday by far. I'm going to the village parade this year, but I'm not going to tell you my costume quite yet. Suffice to say, it's very near completion, and it is good. Sometimes I envy the simplicity of Halloween costumes for girls, the formula of

(Slutty) + (Noun) = Costume

But mostly I resent the lack of imagination. There are exceptions, like a slutty washing machine. That's one I'd like to see. The worst are: Angels, Devils and Cats. Ladies, if you're planning on being any of those three, I beg you to reconsider.

Anyone else going to the parade? I hear it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, I should go at least pretend to work. Catch you crazy kids later